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An enabler is a person, who through his/her actions enables a person to achieve something without needing to do it for him/herself or aids a person in being self-destructive. Within the world of an alcoholic a spouse might provide his/her partner with alcohol or in the case of a drug abuser, making sure there is money for the user to purchase drugs. However, an enabler can be anyone who hampers the process of another person taking full responsibility for his/her life and travail.
The more a person is enabled to 'perform' his/her dysfunctional behavior, the more the dysfunctional behavior becomes intensified; the more the enabling is concentrated. The behaviors manifested from both sides of the relationship equation becomes so entwined in the web of emotions, that the relationship becomes a back and forth entanglement of the ongoing push-me-pull me. The push and pull of the emotional entanglements turn into a deeper and deeper web of desperation.
The term, enabling came into popular usage in the 1950's as AA became a well-known source for alcoholics to become sober. AA began with a chance meeting between a New York stockbroker, Bill W. and Dr. Bob an Akron, Ohio surgeon in May, 1935. Both admitted to one another they felt powerless over their use of alcohol. From that chance meeting the two men supported each other to stop drinking and, subsequently reached out to other 'hopeless' alcoholics and the rest is history.
The enabler believes he/she is acting out of love for the other person, yet, the opposite is occurring. The enabler is actually making a chronic problem such as an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to a gambler, for example, the gambler does not have to face the consequences for his/her actions. The enabler is there to bail him/her out of trouble and the tangled web of a downward spiral continues.
An enabler is also part of the definition of codependency. Codependency first rose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he/she lived with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain as such, because he/she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the other. A codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows him/her to avoid conflicts.
The key factor playing in the Vibrational tune of this entangled web is the emotion of guilt of the enabler and the 'poor me' syndrome of the enabled. Guilt is a difficult and coercing tune to play; however, guilt does not resolve or solve anything. Guilt enables the Enabler to be powerless in the relationship. The central focus becomes the Enabled, who holds the reigns of the emotional web. As long as the Enabler is willing to allow the 'poor me' victim to lay a guilt trip, the noose of entanglement becomes tighter and tighter. Both the Enabler and Enabled are tied together from past emotional hooks.
The pattern between the Enabler and the Enabled follows a guilt and self-blame theme:
The Enabler: "I didn't do enough." "I didn't pay attention." "What could I have done better?" "I should have done more." If only____."
The Enabled: "You don't listen." "You don't care about me." "You do more for____." "You never____." "You always____."
Self-blame and guilt loading is the foundation for an Enabler/Enabled relationship. Blame and guilt go together in perfect dis-harmony, playing the tunes of shame and frustration on both sides of the tangled web. Not a pretty picture, and yet it plays the frequency of the out-of-tune vibration of many relationships: marriage, siblings, parents/children, relatives, and business relationships. Name that Tune, and it plays the same song and dance of Enabler and Enabled.
The fine line between supporting someone to take responsibility for his/her self-sufficiency, self-discipline and self-actualization is an act of understanding, commitment and awareness.
The first step to making a change is to see the past as a reference point. No one can change the past. Both parties need to be willing to see his/her role in the relationship. Let go of the blame and guilt game. Be willing to get out of the emotional game altogether. Both parties need to be willing to look outside him/herself to see if the emotional and physical pain within is worth it-regardless of who is the Enabler or Enabled.
Yes, it takes effort and focus to own your side of the entanglement without judgment. Yes, it takes a tremendous dose of courage to see your Self and your role in the relationship. Each side has a choice. What is best for each person's physical and emotional healing? Start within yourself. Next bury the blame and guilt hatchets and start anew.
There are challenges in this process. The challenges can provide the time and place for the dialogue to change. This is the perfect opportunity to begin to see the other side of the equation and to feel what the other person is experiencing. Give it a chance. Give your Self the opportunity to move forward. Stop the acrimony. Start seeing what the benefits of the relationship can be through your unconditional support and willingness to talk with each other without the blame and guilt of the past.
Be willing to empower each other to reach the point of love that the relationship deserves. Allow time to heal the emotional wounds that bound you into this insidious downward spiral. If the entanglement is too complicated to unravel engage with a professional trained in relationship healing process.
One of the most empowering and powerful attitudes to emulate is accepting the concept, Love Is Letting Go of Fear. This concept was thoroughly discussed by Gerald G. Jampolsky in his book, "Love Is Letting Go of Fear." I highly recommend this book to those who wish to have a dynamic relationship with husband/wife, significant other, friends, family, coworkers and neighbors.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, Hypnosis Practitioner, Author, "101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life." Dr. Dorothy has the unique gift of connecting people with a broad range of profound principles that resonate in the deepest part of their being. She brings awareness to concepts not typically obvious to one's daily thoughts and feelings. http://www.drdorothy.net
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